Day 05 — A Favorite Quote

It's getting old, huh? Me saying, "I can't just pick one!" Here's another verse in that song. But I'll actually play by the rules today and just give you ONE.

I know. Mark your calendars. Miracles are happening.

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
Theodore Roosevelt

Simple, right? Yes.

And yet, I find that I struggle to do this everyday. Sometimes I just want to roll over and be defeated so I don't have to fight anymore. Sometimes I want someone else to take the reins so I can just enjoy the ride. Sometimes I simply forget.

There were times that I had stepped up and let myself be counted. Times that I have taken control and did what was necessary and right. Some of the most difficult days of my life I had to repeat that quote to myself just to get through. Times I actually lived this mantra. Daily. I had to. Survival was dependent on it.

When I was a single mom nursing a newborn trying to decide what to do with my life.

Having to swallow my pride and accept WIC, food stamps and Medicaid so that my son could get a decent start in life.

Having to hold my head up while I sat in state agency waiting rooms so that I could meet with an overworked, underpaid social worker jaded by the caseload piling up on his/her desk and the injustices by those milking the system rather than trying to get out and earn a living. I wanted to believe I was better than all "those people," but the truth of the matter was that I was one of them. At least for the time being.

Yes, I'll accept that Pell Grant so I can get a college education.

I don't want to cash another food stamp, but I will so that I can feed my child.

Yes. I'll stay up another night to finish another pointless English paper for a TA who doesn't really give a damn, just so that I can get the credit hours necessary for my degree plan.

Yes. I'll go to college in the morning, work in the afternoon, then mother a teething infant/colicky baby/sick child during the night. Because that's what I have to do.

Yes. I'll accept that job that pays a few thousand dollars more than my current position even though I've got the best, most understanding and flexible boss (EVER!) and I'll be working for someone who couldn't give a rat's ass about me, my situation or my talents. Living paycheck to paycheck is getting tougher now that I have to pay a daycare.

I sound bitter. I'm not.

Those were the facts at the time. That was the hand I was dealt. I didn't know it was supposed to be as difficult as it sounds. I just did what I had to do, with what I had, where I was. And I wouldn't have had it any other way.

When I got pregnant at 19, the option to give my baby up for adoption was there. I just couldn't choose it. I didn't want to. I wanted to see it through and raise my child. I was lucky that I had a support system, my parents and friends to help me along the way. I COULDN'T have done it without them babysitting, allowing me to make mistakes, encouraging me along the way and overall just helping me hold on to my sanity.

It wasn't all bad. Don't get me wrong. I LOVED raising Joshua. I loved watching him grow and learn and explore and question and dream. I hated seeing him get hurt or feel like he was failing at something or just going through the awkward stages of puberty and hormones. I was proud of every milestone he achieved from learning to tie his shoes to watching him get his high school diploma. I miss being part of his day-to-day life now that he's off living it up at college. I pray every day that I've done my job as mother well enough that he has the confidence, strength, courage, ambition, perseverance he needs to succeed on his own, in his own ways. I'm pretty sure he's fine. People keep telling me what a good kid he is. I tend to believe them. (wink!)

I still find myself applying that quote in my life today, but on a much smaller scale. I kinda wish that I was using it for grander purposes...like curing cancer, feeding the world, housing the homeless. But for now, I'm taking a break. Enjoying the fruits of my labor, so to speak.