Pomp and Circumstance

Friday was a bit bittersweet for me.

It was the day that I ordered my son's cap and gown for graduation along with all the announcements, name cards and various paraphernalia necessary to share the news with family and friends of this milestone in his life. This is all very foreign to my husband who didn't participate in his own graduation ceremony, who didn't feel the need for all the pomp and circumstance. And sending announcements to a high school graduation is EXTREMELY American to him.


Thursday night while I was asking Josh if he wanted me to order any of the "extras" that came in the brochure, I did what any normal human being would do during such a carefree conversation. I started crying. The rush of emotions came out of nowhere blindsiding me with embarrassing amounts of salted water from my tear ducts that I couldn't even put the trash bag in the freshly emptied trash can. While I was looking at him, in mid-sentence and mid-chore, the waterworks began.
Get a grip, woman!

It's funny, really. I spent the next several minutes trying to recover my dignity and grace under pressure. I failed. I ended up with tears streaming down my face and declarations of love and pride spilling from my lips. I brag about him to my friends and thank God everyday for the blessing that he is in my life, but I know I don't tell HIM often enough how proud I am of the young man that he has become and the man he continues to evolve into. I know he thinks I'm just a blubbering fool.

I'm a lucky fool though. Being a single mom for the first half of his life was difficult at times, to say the least. The external and easily noticeable challenges of juggling college, a job and an infant while dealing with the internal battles (while trying to keep them mostly hidden from public scrutiny) of guilt, fears, and worries that I'll be a crap mom is not something I would wish on anyone. However, and this is the lucky part of it all, my parents supported me in my decision to have, keep and raise a child even though I was so young, ill-equipped, and immature. They aided and guided me, allowed me to make decisions even if they may have been tough ones or even the wrong ones, but most of all they loved their grandchild with true unconditional love and it showed.

Along the way I've lost some friendships because my time was focused on my child rather than on the next party, my limited cash was spent for diapers rather than going to the latest movie, my energy was exerted in getting my poop in a group instead of clubbing the night away. I'm not saying I did everything I could. I'm DEFINITELY not saying that I did everything right. I'm just saying I've learned a lot about myself.

I can't help but look forward to the pomp and circumstance that comes from his graduation. It should remind me of the wonderful learning experience I've had these last seventeen years.